For the past several days, I've been pensive--introspective to the point of self-absorbtion, possibly. (It can't be good to think about one's self so much.) But, I can't seem to help it. I've been sort of taking stock. Assuming I'll have an average life span, though I realize there are no guarantees, I'm about half done. The term "Mid-life Crisis" comes to mind. I haven't gone out and bought a red convertible...yet. However, in the past month I've: colored my hair, bought a face cream with AHA's, exercised more, gave up pop (more or less), and considered buying a teeth whitening system ($$). It's the middle-class woman's mid-life crisis.
All of that only addresses the physical aspect of my life being half over--and not very well at that. The bigger question looming in my mind is, "Have I been a good steward of these 40 years?" Gulp. God has given me so much to oversee! There's my marriage, our kids, ministry, friendships, finances, my home, gifts & talents, His Word, my relationship with Him, and time. Have I been a faithful steward of all of that?! I doubt it.
And then there's a deeper struggle, regarding my innermost hopes and dreams. I had all of these aspirations when I was younger. Some of them have come true: marriage and motherhood, to name a couple. But I really wanted to do something BIG. Something special. And I know, I know...marriage and motherhood are noble things. But I wanted to make my mark on the world! I don't know. Is that a little silly? A little selfish? I've simply been feeling so normal. So average. So blah.
So, count your blessings, Jenny. Right? Yes. Good point. I do have many blessings. Lots of people would covet a "normal" life like mine. And I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I truly have nothing to complain about. So why do I feel a bit...restless?
Is this yearning a device to keep me from resting on my laurels? Does the Lord have a new adventure for me? Is this something to urge me out a state of complacency? Or is this a purely selfish craving meant to distract me and make me discontent? Complacency and contentment: so close in meaning, yet so far.
There is a bright spot in all of this. Because I have trusted in Christ's atoning death on the cross to pay for my sins, I have eternal life. And what's the middle of that? What's half of eternity? It's still...eternity. To that, I cling.